12 lessons to my younger self
12 lessons to my younger self who was capable of endless love and joy but didn’t yet know it, written at the age of 23.
This year I turned 23, in honour of doing so I felt a desire to write to my teenage self and present her with the messages and sentiments I wish she had known during adolescence. The things I would tell her, albeit important, were life lessons which took time to accrue. Here goes,
Relax. You do not need to take things so personally and be mindful that people’s behaviour is almost always about themselves. Aside from the things that appear almost horrifically too personal, don’t sweat the small stuff — Or even the big stuff, nothing lasts forever and you will eventually cease to care (which is brilliant, just you wait).
There was never and will never be anything innately wrong with you; not your hair or your weight, whether or not you take antipsychotic medication, your mum’s job or anything teenage girls wish to convince you is bad, poor, different or not up to scratch. And to reiterate - there is nothing wrong with your fucking hair, in fact it does a good job as hair, stop worrying about it for god’s sake.
As an extra note on the last point, happy and secure people do not bully others. Anyone who tries to make you feel insecure about anything — who insults you for the way you look or for who you are is insecure themselves. It really is that simple, and they are fighting a much bigger battle than the one they put you through. Whether these sources of insecurity stem from within themselves or their home lives, their own struggles will be much greater than you will ever come to understand because they keep them hidden.
You are likeable and special, but you cannot be liked by everyone and that’s ok.
People are exactly that — just people. No matter which way you categories them or view them as opposite to you, they aren’t. Perhaps they have differing political views or a vastly different background, all of this is valid and important to recognise - but once you’ve recognised it, move on. Do not allow this to come between you, they are still human and possess the same capacity for love, empathy and insight - all of the things you greatly value.
No person is either all good or all bad. Human existence is not straight forward - we are not contained within a binary of goodness and badness (unless you’re Hitler). We are each an amalgamation of very distinct and specific experiences which inform who we are and how we respond to people and events, remember this when arriving at any situation.
Not everything is about you. The most basic lesson yet the most valuable, learning this will set you free.
‘Muddy water is best cleared by leaving it alone’. This quote is originally from Alan Watts but I read it in Chidera Eggerue’s ‘What a Time To Be Alone’ and it struck a chord. You do not need to manage or control every problem as it occurs; wading in deep and over-explaining yourself in an attempt to ‘fix’ every issue is not worth your energy and in turn will get you hurt. I know you think you’re helping and wish to ‘rescue’ every situation, but this doesn’t tend to work for you. Leave it, let the dust settle. More often than not conflicts have a way of correcting themselves organically, and if they don’t — move on.
You’re going to make a lot of mistakes. You must allow yourself to be imperfect and fuck up. When you do fuck up and get it wrong, forgive yourself - I know you won’t at first but please forgive yourself eventually.
You will be gaslit and denied your own lived experiences repeatedly. However, others do not get to decide or authorise what has or hasn’t happened to you. You are the authority on truth, this is not up for dispute
When you were younger you lived in a world where you had to constantly anticipate, manage and minimise the emotional reactions of those around you. This is not your job; you are not responsible for the stress of your parents nor are you the cause of their stress, and you will eventually extricate yourself from this belief.
Lastly - it gets better. I could not have promised this to you at the age of 18 but I can now. I wish I could reach through time and give my teenage self a hug or hold my child self’s hand and promise her it’s better on the other side because it is. Life in all its richness and dullness is worth it. I know you think that you have a wealth of negative experiences which you will never recover from, but you will. The people you will meet are good, you will have fun, you will grow in confidence and ease because you are more worthwhile than you can ever imagine. I can promise you this now and I can’t wait to see you flourish.
Imogen Bristow is an English Literature graduate from the University of Edinburgh. You can find Imogen on instagram.