When it comes to sex and sexuality, it’s pretty well known that female identifying and non-binary people still get kind of a raw deal when we’re growing up and developing ideas of what it means to be a sexual (or asexual) person. Things – thank God – are changing for the better now, but it’s hard to deny that there’s still something of a double standard when it comes to our sexuality. We still have ideas of ‘how women should behave’. The virgin/whore complex remains. The male gaze remains. The Superbad men-love-sex-and-are-constantly-trying-to-get-it-but-women-aren’t-bothered bullshit remains. Yawn.  

Maybe it’s for that exact reason that I find the topic of sex and sexuality, particularly as it relates to women and femme identifying people, so interesting. If you do too, I’ve made a list of books that might save you a google search or two. 

1. The one to read if you’ve ever wondered ‘what the hell is wrong with me sexually?’ 

Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski 

Come As You Are has become, since its publication in 2015, a staple for women trying to get to grips with their sexuality in a world that seems to care more about the commodification and objectification of female bodies than the joy and pleasure that can be experienced by those bodies. The book is a practical guide to get to grips with yourself, your own preferences, and your own sex life starting with the biggest and most important sexual organ: the brain.  

Nagoski focuses largely on cis women, which may not be helpful for you depending on your personal experiences, but the general message of the book is that really, we all have ‘the same parts, organised in different ways’. This message is intended to be liberating – whatever your body looks like, no matter how you personally give and receive pleasure, there is no wrong way to be a sexual person as long as it is consensual. 

2. The one to read if you wish there was an episode of Horrible Histories about sex… 

A Curious History of Sex by Kate Lister 

Firstly, I want to make it clear that I’m not suggesting you read this book if you have personal sexual discovery in mind. You won’t receive any handy hints for the bedroom here. However, what you will receive is a funny, intelligent and well-organised exploration of various topics surrounding sex throughout history. As Lister points out at the start of the book, it is obviously impossible to cover everything. She did not set out to write an encyclopaedia. Nevertheless, the subjects she does cover range from language, genitalia, sex and food, sex toys, periods and sex work.  

Lister does address issues of sexuality, race and class, though probably due to word count and access to reliable sources, these topics aren’t focussed on as much as they could be. A Curious History of Sex is one of those books I’m glad I own. It’s massive and sturdy and I know that I will dip in and out of it through the years. It contains the sort of knowledge ideal for a pub quiz (if you drink at a pretty liberal pub).  

3. The one to read if you want a chat with a very knowledgeable friend… 

Animal by Sara Pascoe 

Animal is one of the first non-fiction books about sexuality and ‘female bodies’ that I read that really appealed to me and made me hungry for MORE. KNOWLEDGE. PLEASE. It is particularly appealing if you are already a fan of Sara Pascoe as a comedian, as her writing style is similar to her stand up style. She tells long personal anecdotes that sort of teach without you realising, and she never comes across as preachy or patronising. This book is an interesting mix of personal memoir, feminism, evolutionary science, and an encouraging manual for those who would like being a woman to not ‘look like such a minefield after all.’ 

4. The one to read if you wonder whether your gender, sexuality or relationship style is ‘normal’… 

Queer Sex by Juno Roche  

Firstly, with this book it is important to bear in mind that despite the subtitle ‘A Trans and Non-Binary Guide to Intimacy, Pleasure and Relationships’, Juno Roche isn’t really giving tips and tricks in this book. It is much more of a gentle exploration of her own life and the lives of the other trans and non-binary people that she interviews. Despite this, I feel like the sheer visibility of, for example, a self-pleasure group made up of three individuals who have never ‘been interested in each other sexually or romantically’, but enjoy sitting in a room together and creating pleasure, is extremely liberating.  

That’s only my thoughts, as a person who has never questioned my gender. I can imagine that finding resources where you feel safe as a trans, non-binary, or questioning person must be difficult, and this book really does feel like an important resource for that reason. I would warn potential readers that there are some very explicit and specific references to surgery and body parts that might not be your cup of tea, and there aren’t many examples of trans masculine people in the book, so perhaps if that’s what you’re looking for you may need to look elsewhere.  

5. The one to read if you want something political, but also fun… 

Fruit of Knowledge by Liv Stromquist 

Don’t be fooled by the fact that I’ve listed this one last. It is actually the one I would recommend to the widest selection of people in my life. Give it to teenagers, give it to girls, give it to boys. Not that you shouldn’t give my previous suggestions to everyone, but this feels like it just hits the spot. Fruit of Knowledge is a graphic novel with hilarious illustrations, and plenty of useful photographs.  

This book is mostly focussed on the history of the vulva and reproductive organs rather than the actual act of sex. Unless finding out about some old guys exhuming the tomb of Queen Christina just to find out if she was actually intersex (ridiculous) is helpful for you, then I don’t imagine it will help you all that much in your real sex life. Though actually if you get anything from this book, then learning to call a vulva a vulva and a vagina a vagina is pretty useful. Fruit of Knowledge is political, sarcastic, empowering and basically an hour or two very well spent. 

Great reads that didn’t make the list:

• Mind The Gap by Dr Karen Gurney (explicit tips from a qualified sex therapist) 

• Sex, Power, Money by Sara Pascoe (I just really like her, ok?) 

• Mating in Captivity by Esther Perel (musings on long-term relationships and keeping the ‘spark’ alive. Perel is a legend to be honest) 

For more recommendations, head to Flicking the Page, Connie’s Instagram dedicated to books discussing sex and sexuality.